remember when you got in trouble for drinking parrot bay on the beach when you were fifteen and the cop with the four-wheeler called your parents and they picked you up at some wendy's on the interstate and took away your cell phone for, like, three weeks? (remember when the no-phone punishment was all the more miserable because you only had one family computer that was situated strategically in the kitchen/ family room/ master bedroom so your mom could ask you constantly who you were talking to and "HOW? ARE THEY JUST THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE? WHY IS IT SO FAST? WHY CAN'T I LOOK? WHY WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING ON THIS COMPUTER THAT YOUR MOTHER COULDN'T READ? ARE YOU PAYING THE BILL?") remember when, consumed by grief, you told yourself, "someday, i will laugh and laugh and laugh about this," not even knowing that you would one day go on to get back at your parents by squandering your monthly allowance in college on chicken mcnuggets and gin?
WELL THE DAYS TO LAUGH HAVE COME.
much like the days have come to laugh at hitler. and stalin. and mao. and idi amin. and maybe even nixon.
why is it that every time i venture out of the house i am forced to hear passerby after passerby predicating their dictator-related observations with, "of course, there is nothing funny about mussolini..."
BULLSHIT.
there wasn't anything funny about watching a cop in shorts pour out two six-packs of smirnoff ice while you sobbed hysterically in a denim bathing suit, was there? SHIT DUDE! DICTATORS!
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sippin on dat haterade
WELL THE DAYS TO LAUGH HAVE COME.
much like the days have come to laugh at hitler. and stalin. and mao. and idi amin. and maybe even nixon.
why is it that every time i venture out of the house i am forced to hear passerby after passerby predicating their dictator-related observations with, "of course, there is nothing funny about mussolini..."
BULLSHIT.
there wasn't anything funny about watching a cop in shorts pour out two six-packs of smirnoff ice while you sobbed hysterically in a denim bathing suit, was there? SHIT DUDE! DICTATORS!
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Let's All Help Brett Davis Meet Jeff GoldblumGeology Rocks
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The Unshared Life.
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CURVSPIRATION
sippin on dat haterade
ADOLF HITLER!
never, ever exercised. which might also explain why he never, ever allowed anyone to see him naked or bathing.
no physical exertion + no nudity = no sex for poor, poor eva braun.
ROBERT MUGABE! yes, this is a 100 trillion zimbabwean dollar banknote. inflation in zimbabwe surpassed 231 million percent in 2008. in january 2009, a 50 billion billion dollar note could only buy one loaf of bread. come february, the currency was irrelevant, and transactions were made almost exclusively in AMERICAN money. ouch.
kim jong-il brings the moon to north korea, sits on it, and enshrines it in glass.
KIM JONG-IL!
in the 80s (and maybe still), kim jong-il used to have benches he had sat in sealed in glass and designated as monuments.
CHIANG KAI-SHEK!
on december 12th, 1936, chiang kai-shek, koumintang leader, enemy of toothpaste foe mao zedong and YEAH! another teetotaler, was cornered by his own men, who were disappointed in him for (among other things) authorizing the forceful dispersion of an anti-japan protest they had authorized. chiang was in his pajamas doing his morning exercises when rebels fired shots, triggering a short fight with chiang’s bodyguards. upon hearing the shots, chiang threw on a bathrobe (no time for his false teeth… or shoes) and flung himself over the ten-foot wall surrounding his compound. instead of dropping ten feet on the other side, however, he dropped thirty, falling into a moat and severely injuring his back. he somehow managed to make it up a hill steeped in snow and hide in a cave. hours later he was found, toothless and bloody-footed, in said cave and brought to xi’an. despite his captors’ reported respect toward him, chiang remained quite obstinate, or, in other words, mean. he also, if this hasn’t been iterated enough, in his pajamas without his dentures.
OSAMA BIN LADEN! (MAY NOT COUNT BUT…)
plays back-up keyboard.
lol. (maybe only because i am drunk but…) LOL.
HUGO CHAVEZ! is polled most popular leader amongst world's arabs
he beat osama bin laden, but then again, no one really knows what’s up with that dude. and who knew the middle east had access to international media, anyways?
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD!
doesn’t believe in the holocaust! and hitler is very insulted.
ADOLF HITLER!
hitler FINALLY married eva braun on april 29th, 1945. (although his motivations to marry her were probably mostly diverted by the fact that she was a daft, whiny, do-nothing nude sunbather, he also had to remain single in order to preserve the sexual magnetism deemed important to sustaining his power.) on april 30th, 1945, they committed suicide together in berlin’s fuhrerbunker. it is reported that they gave out cyanide capsules as wedding favors.
most humiliating, however, may have been the fact that although fellow fuhrerbunker (what a great word, by the way) residents were instructed to call her frau hitler after the two wed, throughout the 24-HOUR duration of their marriage, hitler insisted upon calling her fraulein braun.
brurnnnnn.
